"The Conversation You Must Have With Your Sons"

tw: rape,  rape culture

Carina Kolodny recently wrote a piece for the Huffington Post  titled "The Conversation You Must Have with Your Sons."

I was reminded of this piece earlier today, when I had a somewhat rare opportunity to sit in a church not my own--even a denomination not my own.  While sitting through the service, I noticed the teenaged boy in front of me kept touching the teenaged girl next to him.  Every time, she would push his hand away.  This went on for about ten minutes, and after the third time--with increasing protestation on her part--I started looking for a break in the liturgy to lean over and tell the boy to stop. 

I do not know what this boy's relationship to the girl was.  I suspect his mother was sitting on the other side of him based on their interaction, and so the young(er?) girl may have been his sister.  It really does not matter.  What was going on was one example of the small ways in which consent is overridden and ignored.  Clear 'no's' were disregarded.
 
Even as the piece has the more severe side of the violence spectrum in mind, the central theses and questions have resonance: 

 Your son is coming of age in that culture with those messages swirling around him. You might have raised him in a home that perpetuated that culture without ever intending to or perhaps you raised him in a home that taught values in complete contrast to that culture. The more important question is: did you ever directly tell him to never buy into that culture? Did you ever tell him that culture is unacceptable and WRONG? Did you ever have any of the aforementioned conversations?

And one aspect of that culture--from unwanted teasing and touching in a pew all the way to rape--is the notion that women's bodies do not deserve autonomy, that consent is not important, and that 'no' does not need to be respected.

It reminded me that such a conversation might have benefit  for that teenage boy, and more importantly,  for the women he will interact with in his life.  And as one raising a son, the event was a reminder of my own responsibility for having this conversation.