Abuse, Forgiveness, and Inequality

In the past few weeks, headlines have been filled with stories about various famous NFL players caught in the midst of scandal: Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens was suspended from the NFL after video of him knocking his then fiancé, now wife, unconscious in an elevator surfaced.  And Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings has also been suspended from his team after pictures of him “disciplining” his four year old son with a switch went public.  It has been shocking to watch fans of both players continuing to wear their jerseys and pronounce “support” for them, although for different reasons.  How do we, as Christians, approach these situations?  How do we analyze the actions and reactions in light of our call to love and forgive people, and to root out injustice in order to uplift the oppressed?

Ray Rice

The NFL made the decision to suspend Ray Rice for two games when he was arrested for domestic violence against his then fiancé.  Many people publically questioned if this punishment was serious enough, given the charges and severity of the crime.  But then, a few months later, the video of him punching her in the face and being knocked unconscious hit the internet, and the NFL was forced to respond.  He was cut from the Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the NFL.  His [now] wife, Janay, who was the victim of his violence, immediately condemned these sanctions, saying, “I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare... No one knows the pain that [the] media & unwanted options from the public has caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass [off] for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific…”

Many have wondered how she could defend him (never mind marry him) after Rice rendered her unconscious.  This led to the twitter hashtags #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft.  The reality is, 1 in 5 women in this country are victims of domestic violence and leaving the relationship can be more perilous than staying in it.  Women stay for many reasons including: love, children, financial security, feeling isolated, low self-esteem, the list goes on.  Women who leave often risk poverty, greater financial difficulties, and even an increased possibility the violence will escalate.

I don’t know Janay Rice, so I can’t try to guess what her motivations are.  In her statement, she indicates she loves him, and that the incident is something they continue to regret (that is: perhaps he is sorry for it?).  Fans have flooded message boards and done media interviews often with similar thoughts: while what he did was wrong, she forgave him, married him – so why shouldn’t we?  Other NFL players have done time in prison for their crimes and still play in the NFL (ahem, Michael Vick).  Should we (the public and the NFL) forgive Ray Rice?

This brings up important theological issues.  Certainly, each Sunday during worship (in the Episcopal and Lutheran traditions), we have some time of silence to reflect on our sins, and then we say a confessional prayer together, in which we acknowledge our sins and say we are sorry to God.  And then the priest pronounces absolution (forgiveness) to the congregation – assures them that if they are truly penitent (sorry) then God forgives their sins.  But the crux of that statement is IF s/he is truly penitent.  As a priest, it’s impossible to judge what is going on in someone’s heart – if s/he is really sorry.  So we emphasize the IF – if s/he is truly sorry, then her/his sins are absolved.

Perhaps Janay believes Rice is truly sorry and she has forgiven him.  Certainly, as Christians, we are called to forgive: “forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us,” we constantly pray.  We are sinners, and as such we hurt each other, and we turn away from God.  This happens on a daily basis for each of us.  However, because the psychology of domestic violence is so complex, it is simply not possible to say ‘she forgave him, so we should too.’  We don’t know why she is staying with him.  She may not even be clear on why she is staying with him.  God certainly will forgive him if he is truly sorry, and part of being truly sorry is to not remain in that sinful state anymore.  There is much he could do as a public figure to show his repentance and sorrow for his actions toward her.  Perhaps his supporters feel he has demonstrated that.  Part of what is troubling is his and Janay’s response to the sanctions that he has been given in response to his behavior.

Indeed, apparently, what Janay is upset about is the punishment that has resulted from this incident.  While we often talk about “judge not lest ye be judged,” and “vengeance is mine says the LORD,” there is also precedent in the bible of using punishment in order to correct wayward behavior (see the Hebrew Exile).  What is just punishment for someone in this instance?  Analyzing the power dynamics, as a football player and athlete, Rice surely has great physical strength – perhaps much more than an average man.  He also wields a large salary and social power through being a well-known public figure.  She is probably not as strong as he is, and likely she depends on him financially.  Additionally, they have a child together, and so their roles as parents play into the power dynamic as well.  Another video was released showing her possibly provoking him before he punches her.  Did she then deserve his retaliation? 

In terms of the power dynamics, the answer is absolutely not.  His physical strength undoubtedly overpowers hers.  Women should not hit men, as truly no one should hit anyone (we learn that at toddlers, right?  Don’t hit.  Period.).  But the inequality of physical size and strength between them is particularly problematic.

And perhaps part of what people are responding to in this instance is he didn’t just hit her, he knocked her unconscious, meaning a blow with a particularly strong amount of force.  A blow to the head (as any football player should know) is dangerous and potentially life threatening.  So this is a serious crime.  But is it serious enough for him to lose his career over?

That might be where it is difficult to judge.  Certainly, the National Organization of Women (NOW) has called for the resignation of Commissioner Roger Godell, citing his ineffective leadership and decision making throughout this situation.  NOW argues that domestic violence is a real problem among NFL players, and the league has not done enough to end it.  Thus, there is a reality – from a justice standpoint – that the NFL must get it’s house in order.  If domestic violence is not acceptable (it isn’t), then there must be mechanisms to punish and deter those who would engage in that kind of violence.  As Christians who care about justice and the inequalities that occur when wealthy professional athletes are able to exploit their privilege to abuse women, it is important to hold the perpetrators accountable – both the abusers and the systems that allow them to continue to be wealthy and famous.

And, we need to approach Janay (and their child) with deep compassion.  What she has experienced is horrific.  Physically, mentally, emotionally painful, and to have it played out on a national stage must be humiliating as well.  Not that she should feel this way – she didn’t ask to be knocked unconscious by her partner in an elevator, and did not deserve that treatment.  But she is staying in the relationship and thus this incident continues to affect her in numerous ways on a daily basis.  We definitely should pray for her and hope that she is seeking and receiving intensive therapy for herself and for them as a couple. 

Adrian Peterson

By now we know that Adrian Peterson disciplines his children by using switches, and doesn’t see a problem with ‘leaving a mark’ on them.  There has been much debate on spanking, as some parents and experts felt and continue to feel that it is an acceptable form of discipline.  Others argue that children should never be hit for any reason.  Some have defended Peterson’s parenting by claiming this is standard discipline in the African American community, and that parents should have the right to discipline their children as they see fit.  Further, numerous adults argue they were punished in similar ways and “learned their lessons,” and “turned out fine.”

Again, what are the power dynamics at play here?  Surely adults are taller and stronger than young children, and control their ability to have access to food, water, shelter, and any number of other privileges (toys, outings with friends, extracurricular activities).  Children’s power mainly manifests itself in their ability to act out in negative ways, or in self-mutilation.  Peterson, as a professional football player, likely possesses a level of strength that surpasses the average adult male.  So the force he would use as he whips a child would be presumably even greater than a man who does not have the kind of physical conditioning and strength he has.  Thus, the amount of force he can inflict blow by blow on a young, small child, is quite considerable.  And, given the photos, did indeed cause extreme pain, cuts, and bruising all over the child’s body.  Some have argued that this was not a spanking, it was a beating.  And yet, there are those who say it is a parent’s prerogative to beat a child if they wish.  Where does this sentiment come from?

Many reference the Bible to condone using physical discipline on children.  Proverbs 13:24 is a go-to verse for this purpose: “Those who spare the rod hate their children, but those who love them are diligent to discipline them.” (NRSV)  Use a rod to hit and discipline your children, this is commonly interpreted to say.  And there are other verses along these same lines.  Does God want us to hit our children in order to discipline them?

In this much quoted verse, I would place the emphasis on the second half: that those who love their children must discipline them.  There is no denying that historically it has been socially acceptable to physically punish children.  I was spanked as a child.  But God has also endowed humans with the ability to think and research and grow in our knowledge and understanding.  And to date, study after scientific study suggests that there are more effective methods of discipline than spanking and that it harms children in numerous ways.  Opponents of spanking argue that hitting a child sends confusing signals – telling them it’s not acceptable to hit or be violent to a peer, and then to hit and be violent toward them as discipline only shows that, actually, this kind of violence is acceptable when one with great power and physical strength is using it against someone smaller and less powerful.  This is clearly problematic.  Countless experts and professional medical organizations now encourage parents to utilize other forms of discipline, rather than spanking.  Is this contrary to Proverbs 13:24?  No.  The verse is urging parents to discipline their children because they love them.  If we now have solid evidence of a better way to do so than ‘using a rod,’ then theologically we are beholden to use it.  To use a ‘different rod,’ if you will - the rod of time out or loss of privileges, etc.  Those rods are effective forms of punishment that don’t leave the physical and potentially emotional scars of a spanking or beating.

And that’s really why spanking is problematic.  Usually when a parent is disciplining a child, her anger level is elevated – potential highly elevated.  It may be tempting in the heat of the moment for a spanking to cross a line into a beating.  It’s hard for a parent to know how much force he is using and how it is affecting the body of the child receiving it.  Good parents want to discipline their children so that the memory of the consequence sticks so they will make better choices in the future.  But physically harming their child is not usually the goal of such a parent, and yet can happen all too easily in a situation like Peterson’s.  Indeed, Peterson himself confessed to his wife in a text message that he may have beat his son too hard.  He knew he had crossed a line.

Jesus abhorred violence.  He was constantly telling his disciples not to fight, and not to defend him through force.  It’s hard if not impossible to argue that he would have condoned hitting a child, for any reason.  Indeed, we as Christians do have the responsibility to discipline our children (“discipline” comes from the same root as “disciple”), thus we are called to follow the example of how Jesus treated people, and yes, how he treated his own disciples.  True, the disciples were adults, not children in need of maturity and growth.  But he felt a responsibility to them, as parents do toward children.  Responsibility is different than ownership, and while a parent is responsible for their children – for teaching them and raising them to be good adults, they must be treated humanely and decently.  Parents do not have the right to do whatever they want to a child, which is why there are laws against abusing children and government agencies to protect children from parents and other adults who would harm them.  These provisions exist because children are vulnerable and powerless, and are in need of protection from some adults.  Yes, parents have leeway in making decisions about how to raise their children, but if we understand children as being gifted to us by God (whether through biology or adoption) then we realize that as adults our call is to nurture, protect and raise them – that they are God’s children first, and thus that affects how we treat them.  Jesus asked his followers not to use violence against one another, and this holds true for all of God’s children.

How we treat one another is of utmost theological importance, and is at the heart of Christian faith.  The imbalance of power – physically and socially – between men and women, and a father and a son means their interactions must be evaluated in that light and that analysis must come out in favor of protecting the least among us.  The use of physical violence, according to Jesus, is never acceptable. Indeed, we must learn and grow from our mistakes, and part of that growth must be to show how we will be different as we move forward.