On the Rules We Follow

TW: rape culture, victim blamimg

Every woman I know has a system. She has worked it out in her head how to keep herself safe. How to protect herself from assault. Each system is different – and sometimes isn’t based in sound principles for actual safety. But it’s often less about actual safety than about being able to prove to the authorities, to our friends, to ourselves that we did everything we could to keep it from happening. That we tried our hardest, that we fought back, that we took precautions, that we weren’t drunk, that we didn’t lead him on, that we didn’t, that we didn’t, that we didn’t – so it wasn’t our fault.

I didn’t always know that other women had this system. I used to think it was only me who arranged for friends to call me and check in when I was alone with a man I didn’t know well in my apartment, whether that man was the plumber or a new friend from grad school. I used to think it was only me who intentionally brought up a married man’s spouse’s name in private conversation, in order to remind him that he was married. I used to think it was only me who made sure a professor’s door was cracked open, that he wasn’t the only one in that hall during our meeting, that someone was expecting me shortly after office hours. Only me who called my fiancé while walking from my parking spot into my building, even though I knew it was riskily distracting, because I wanted someone to hear if something happened. Only me who stopped make-out sessions earlier than I wanted to because I was afraid if we continued he wouldn’t hear my “no” when it came to the point. Only me who only got drunk when with a large group of friends where at least one woman was sober. Only me who rethought that tweet because of the risk of getting “doxed” by some internet troll who decided I offended him so much I deserved to be raped to death.

It’s not only me. I am not especially paranoid for a woman. I am cautious, but I am not alone. My sisters do this too. We talk about ways to check under your car in case someone’s hiding down there to grab your ankle. Ways to hold your keys to jab someone in a soft place. How to escape to the bathroom for an emergency phone call if a date won’t leave your apartment. Who’s going to be the “mom” of the group at the bar, making sure everyone else is safe. And even if we are fortunate enough that we escape harassment or assault, we spend so much of our mental energy thinking about ways to protect ourselves that we can’t think about other things. This system of sexual violence keeps us from living where we want, walking where we want, working where we want, trusting men we date, staying out as late as we please.

Even women who’ve never been raped think every day about what they must do to prevent it. Not only because we don’t want to be raped (though certainly that too), but also because we know that if we let our guard down, even once, and something terrible happens, it will be our fault. Not only in the eyes of the authorities (who prosecute less than 10% of rapes), or in the eyes of the community, but in our own eyes. We’re good girls. We follow the rules.