TW: rape, misogyny, sexual harassment, stalking, gendered violence
Almost four months ago, I wrote a status on Facebook giving the observation that "I think much progress in gender relations could be made if men committed to being "safe" instead of being "nice."" Then, in rapid succession, a student in Connecticut was stabbed by her 16 year old classmate because she refused to go to prom with him, and over this past weekend, a 22yr old college student shot numerous people, justifying his actions by saying that his act was retribution for women not giving themselves to him sexually even though he was a "supreme gentleman." These two events made national news, but they are part of larger patterns of social forces, namely patriarchy, sexism, misogyny, and male entitlement. The common thread in these two events is this sense of male entitlement--the notion that men are owed something by women, such as sexual availability for fulfilling a minimum standard of polite behavior. This connection between male entitlement and violence seems to be largely ignored. In the case of the Santa Barbara shooting in particular, this silence is probably because an investigation of something as common and routine in our society as sexism and misogyny does not fit into the narrative/script we have constructed around national conversations about violence and mass killings. We (briefly and unfruitfully) talk about guns and mental illness instead.
Where conversations about violence against women occur, it does not take long for the space to be invaded by men who will typically try to derail the conversation about violence against women by saying "not all men are like that," or something similar. But all men benefit and contribute in some fashion in perpetuating and/or allowing the continued existence of the social forces I mentioned above. So while "not all men" are going to pick up a gun and commit mass murder, many men participate in other forms of violence, many more men by tacit approval uphold male superiority, and all men participate to upholding male supremacy in unconscious ways.
In the aftermath of the shooting, and in response to men's attempts to derail the conversation, women have taken to twitter with the hashtag#yesallwomento tell the stories of gender violence and sexism they have experienced. You can read the story of the project here. A few of my friends contributed to the hashtag, and one friend almost immediately experienced two men discounting what she said.
So let me elaborate more on what I mean by saying that men should seek to be "safe" instead of "nice." Often men relying on being "nice" is actually code for "If I treat women with respect, I will possibly get the relationship/sex I think I deserve. If I also play this right, I'll avoid the friendzone." This "nice guy" mentality commodifies relationships, turning the relationship into an exchange in at least one person's mind. The "nice guy" mentality leads to treating the woman as an opportunity before treating her as a person. I know this mindset well; it's how I spent my teens and early twenties.
"Safe" on the other hand begins with the assumption that the other person before you (regardless of gender expression or sexual identification) is a person owed--and worthy--of respect simply because they exist. Being safe asks that one commit to allowing the other person to exist as they are. Friendships that revolve around being safe instead of nice also asks that one advocate for one's friend without expecting anything in return (since the friendship is not based on exchanges).
I've drawn a lot of dichotomies here--namely shifting from safe to nice, and from seeing others as commodities to seeing them as persons. The shift is much messier in actuality. And I do not wish to write as though I've reached some sort of final stage. But I'm lucky that my work in trying to be a "safe" person means a number of my friends feel comfortable calling me on my failures.
In the spirit of #yesallwomen, my own contribution to exposing misogyny is detailed in my experiences below.
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I thought the motto: "A slut will have sex with anyone; a bitch will have sex with anyone but you" was high-level social wisdom and reality.
By the end of my first year in college, I knew my circle of friends' experiences of rape matched the national statistic of roughly 1 in 4 women.
In my first year in college/military school, I had a reputation among my male colleagues as an "emotional tampon" because I bothered to take women's stories seriously.
I had another man in my (military school) company tell me that "if you play your cards right, you could have ass on tap" as he looked at a picture of (then) girlfriend (now spouse).
I openly complained about being disrespected as a "nice guy" without realizing that I exhibited some overly-possessive traits in relationships.
I participated in the games men play about seeing how far one can get a significant other to go sexually.
A number of my friends experience sexual harassment.
I field phone calls from friends so they have someone to talk to while they walk alone--and they call because they have had bad experiences of men while walking alone.
I have had a friend give me her location and say "if you don't hear from me in two hours, call the police and give them this address." This is not an out of the ordinary occurrence for women to make this type of arrangement with friends.
Once, in a club, I had a woman I had never met before sit down next to me and say, "Can you pretend to know me for a few minutes? The guy by the bar won't leave me alone, and I told him I was here with you." We sat together until the guy stopped watching her and left--about 15 minutes later.
In conversations, I've watched women silenced or simply excluded from the conversation.
In conversation, I've talked over women, many of whom actually have more to contribute to the conversation.
I have watched male friends change plans and be willing to drive across town to follow significantly younger women they overheard speaking about where they were going next.
A number of my friends have been stalked at some point in their lives.
This has happened a few times with a few friends: After a woman I know experiences sexism in her work (inside or outside the church) we do the cost-benefit analysis for bringing it to light. It is almost always too risky to their career to seek redress.
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There are numerous other things I can list. But these experiences are emblematic of how women are abused in our society, and the number of survival mechanisms women develop to survive living in our society. I take these issues seriously because these women are my friends, and I'm tired of my friends being victimized.
