Living within Misogyny and Male Entitlement

TW: rape, misogyny, sexual harassment, stalking, gendered violence

Almost four months ago, I wrote a status on Facebook giving the observation that "I think much progress in gender relations could be made if men committed to being "safe" instead of being "nice."" Then, in rapid succession, a student in Connecticut was stabbed by her 16 year old classmate because she refused to go to prom with him, and over this past weekend, a 22yr old college student shot numerous people, justifying his actions by saying that his act was retribution for women not giving themselves to him sexually even though he was a "supreme gentleman." These two events made national news, but they are part of larger patterns of social forces, namely patriarchy, sexism, misogyny, and male entitlement. The common thread in these two events is this sense of male entitlement--the notion that men are owed something by women, such as sexual availability for fulfilling a minimum standard of polite behavior. This connection between male entitlement and violence seems to be largely ignored. In the case of the Santa Barbara shooting in particular, this silence is probably because an investigation of something as common and routine in our society as sexism and misogyny does not fit into the narrative/script we have constructed around national conversations about violence and mass killings. We (briefly and unfruitfully) talk about guns and mental illness instead.  

Where conversations about violence against women occur, it does not take long for the space to be invaded by men who will typically try to derail the conversation about violence against women by saying "not all men are like that," or something similar. But all men benefit and contribute in some fashion in perpetuating and/or allowing the continued existence of the social forces I mentioned above. So while "not all men" are going to pick up a gun and commit mass murder, many men participate in other forms of violence, many more men by tacit approval uphold male superiority, and all men participate to upholding male supremacy in unconscious ways.

In the aftermath of the shooting, and in response to men's attempts to derail the conversation, women have taken to twitter with the hashtag  #yesallwomen to tell the stories of gender violence and sexism they have experienced.  You can read the story of the project here. A few of my friends contributed to the hashtag, and one friend almost immediately experienced two men discounting what she said.  

So let me elaborate more on what I mean by saying that men should seek to be "safe" instead of "nice." Often men relying on being "nice" is actually code for "If I treat women with respect, I will possibly get the relationship/sex I think I deserve. If I also play this right, I'll avoid the friendzone." This "nice guy" mentality commodifies relationships, turning the relationship into an exchange in at least one person's mind. The "nice guy" mentality leads to treating the woman as an opportunity before treating her as a person. I know this mindset well; it's how I spent my teens and early twenties. 

"Safe" on the other hand begins with the assumption that the other person before you (regardless of gender expression or sexual identification) is a person owed--and worthy--of respect simply because they exist. Being safe asks that one commit to allowing the other person to exist as they are. Friendships that revolve around being safe instead of nice also asks that one advocate for one's friend without expecting anything in return (since the friendship is not based on exchanges).     

I've drawn a lot of dichotomies here--namely shifting from safe to nice, and from seeing others as commodities to seeing them as persons. The shift is much messier in actuality. And I do not wish to write as though I've reached some sort of final stage. But I'm lucky that my work in trying to be a "safe" person means a number of my friends feel comfortable calling me on my failures.  

In the spirit of #yesallwomen, my own contribution to exposing misogyny is detailed in my experiences below.  
_____________

I thought the motto: "A slut will have sex with anyone; a bitch will have sex with anyone but you" was high-level social wisdom and reality.

By the end of my first year in college, I knew my circle of friends' experiences of rape matched the national statistic of roughly 1 in 4 women. 

In my first year in college/military school, I had a reputation among my male colleagues as an "emotional tampon" because I bothered to take women's stories seriously.

I had another man in my (military school) company tell me that "if you play your cards right, you could have ass on tap" as he looked at a picture of (then) girlfriend (now spouse).

I openly complained about being disrespected as a "nice guy" without realizing that I exhibited some overly-possessive traits in relationships.

I participated in the games men play about seeing how far one can get a significant other to go sexually.

A number of my friends experience sexual harassment.

I field phone calls from friends so they have someone to talk to while they walk alone--and they call because they have had bad experiences of men while walking alone.

I have had a friend give me her location and say "if you don't hear from me in two hours, call the police and give them this address."  This is not an out of the ordinary occurrence for women to make this type of arrangement with friends.

Once, in a club, I had a woman I had never met before sit down next to me and say, "Can you pretend to know me for a few minutes? The guy by the bar won't leave me alone, and I told him I was here with you." We sat together until the guy stopped watching her and left--about 15 minutes later. 

In conversations, I've watched women silenced or simply excluded from the conversation.

In conversation, I've talked over women, many of whom actually have more to contribute to the conversation.

I have watched male friends change plans and be willing to drive across town to follow significantly younger women they overheard speaking about where they were going next.  

A number of my friends have been stalked at some point in their lives.

This has happened a few times with a few friends: After a woman I know experiences sexism in her work (inside or outside the church) we do the cost-benefit analysis for bringing it to light.  It is almost always too risky to their career to seek redress.

_________________________

There are numerous other things I can list. But these experiences are emblematic of how women are abused in our society, and the number of survival mechanisms women develop to survive living in our society. I take these issues seriously because these women are my friends, and I'm tired of my friends being victimized.

A reader's story

TW: rape, sexual assault

I was 25 when it happened. I always thought I’d be the girl who fought for herself if ever confronted with an unwanted situation, and I never understood women who were silent in situations of sexual force or assault. I was fresh out of graduate school; a pro-life, church-going, self-proclaimed Christian (after attending church regularly while in graduate school). I had never been out on a date, I had never kissed a man, and although I knew what intercourse was, I had no idea of the other things involved in the broader aspect of sex. As you can say, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. So, I was completely unaware and unprepared for the events that would eventually take place in my life.

The year was challenging for me. I started a new job in a new city; one parent was in the midst of a legal situation which should have sent them to jail (if not prison); the other parent was just diagnosed with a slow progressing illness that ultimately leads to death, and I had no friends in my new city. I was lonely, I needed friends, and I thrilled when my best friend, whom I'd met in graduate school, called and asked me to share a meal with him.

I met my friend downtown, we had a lovely dinner, and then he took me from one bar to another, asking me to drink with him. I ordered drinks, but I barely drank anything because I knew I would be driving myself home. The evening became late, and my friend invited me to stay at the same place he was staying so I didn’t have to drive home. Being totally trusting of my four-year friendship, I agreed. I had no reason not to trust him, I’d stayed in the same homes and hotels as male friend before and nothing had happened, but this night was different.

He kissed me, and I didn’t know how to kiss him back so I hugged him. I was scared. Scared to tell him I had no experience kissing someone and scared I would have lost his friendship if I did speak at all. I moved to go to bed, thinking this would resolve the situation because I’d be asleep and he wouldn’t then be trying to kiss me. Before I knew it, he was lying beside me with his hands up my skirt and his fingers in in my vagina. He repeatedly put my hand on his penis, and I kept taking it off. I didn’t know what to do or what to think. I had never even put my hands in my vagina, and I had no clue a man (or anyone else) would even want to do that. I had no idea what was happening, I just knew I didn’t want it or like it. I was silent. I was the girl I never thought I’d become, the one who didn’t yell out when something was happening that was unwanted.

There were only two things going through my head that night, and yelling wasn’t one of them. I didn’t have the energy to yell, to confront him, or say anything at all. I was saving my energy and there were only two things going through my mind that night: “Just hold on to your underwear, don’t let him get them off” and “I wonder where I can get the abortion pill or get an abortion”.

He ended up stopping and it never turned into rape, so I never had to go fetch that abortion pill, but it was defiantly assault. That night I went from being pro-life to pro-choice, it is when I started to realize why people don’t yell out, and it’s a day that I lost my best friend because we never really spoke again. He knew what he did was wrong because he sent an email apologizing for his actions, saying that he felt terrible, but our friendship was over at that point.

I told very few people about the situation until recently, and it happened over five years ago. I initially told a friend, who asked what I was doing at a house alone with a man. This response hit me hard. This woman, this friend, she had been in her home alone countless times with her guy friends. The other responses I got were: “Thank God you weren’t raped” and “Praise Jesus it didn’t go further than it went”.

Seriously? Thank God? Praise Jesus? I understand that was likely a natural reaction of concern, but God had nothing to do with this. I don't think a God I would ever want to serve would 'allow' this to happen to me and then 'prevent' a rape. I understand these women were likely saying exactly what they had been taught, that Jesus intervenes with his good graces. But, how does this statement make women who were raped feel? That God wasn’t there to prevent their attacker from moving to rape, but that He was there for me? God doesn’t want me to be raped but will ‘allow’ those other women to be raped? God has nothing to do with this! Why not respond with, “We will pray that God helps you though this emotionally challenging time” or “Let God’s wrath come down on the jackass who did this to you.” Why are they praising God and not asking God to pull a Sodom and Gomorrah on this guy’s ass?

How does praising God about this not leading to rape make me feel? That God is okay with the years of crying that followed that situation? That God is okay with me getting down to 90 pounds because I dealt with the stress by running 16 miles a day for over 6 months?

I stopped going to church a few years later, not because of this situation but because of many, many things. I became pro-choice that night, and it’s not a stance I can easily talk about with people who are Christians. Most Christians are quick to judge me for my stance, quick to quote the Bible, quick to discuss options for teen moms or people with unwanted pregnancies, but they never actually ask me why I’m pro-choice, most just hit me with the standard Bible verses about life or they ignore that I'm pro-choice all together and don't even try and understand. I guess the point is that we all have our history, we all have our past lives, our struggles, and our own set of realities that shape our relationship with God, our relationship with the church, and our understanding of the moral outlines of the Bible. So, be quick to listen, know that someone's past will always shape their interpretation of the Bible- hoping that God may use those past histories to show people what they-as an individual- are being lead to believe, and be slow to judge.

Diet Racism!

"Do you think it's only fair that there be a White History Month? Then we've got the soda for you!"

"If We Gave Men the Same Rape Advice We Give Women, Here's How Absurd It Would Sound"

From Identities.Mic:

Earlier this week, a group of male students at North Carolina State University introduced Undercover Colors, a new line of nail polish designed to change color when it comes into contact with date rape drugs. While many have praised the young entrepreneurs, some anti-rape activists refuse to fully embrace the product. They've got a point.

Read the rest here.

From a divinity student

TW: Religious misogyny

My fourth semester of divinity school, I was having more and more trouble coating over the cracks between me and the bible. The more I studied it, the more I saw the fingerprints of domination and exploitation within it and all over it; how it was written, and how we have chosen to use it against each other. 

At one point I brought up to a friend my growing concerns. I was talking about a theology paper I had to write about Ratzinger's work; I said how frustrating I found it that he could write that our was a God for everyone; for all *men.* That he could write about this expansive deity and yet use exclusively male language to refer to God and to all God's people. Though I find so much of Ratzinger's theology compelling, I couldn't see how to breach the gap between the best of his message and the gaping hole left by unchallenged patriarchy.

My friend began to say something like, "Yeah, although we know that God is far more than one gender, the bible does use male language to describe God, and so..." and at that point I tuned out, numb from the exhaustion of hearing and seeing people point to bible and say, "But the bible *says*..." in order to defend, excuse, or ignore something hurtful. 

I'm tired of using the bible as anesthesia. I'm tired of how we use its weighty authority to make ourselves numb to the ways that we form God in our own worst image, and use that image to beat others down.

If God is greater than one gender, there is absolutely no reason to persist in using exclusively male pronouns. If God is so much bigger, then why can't we make an effort to understand and express how big God is? Instead, we use "God is so much bigger" like some empty caveat so that we can continue talking about God the way we always have. It's like saying "no offense" before saying something super offensive. If no offense is meant, then find a not offensive way of expressing yourself. If God is not just man, then find a way to not just use "he" to describe "him." 

Using the bible as an excuse for bad behavior is the worst kind of "faithfulness." When we do this, we in fact remain faithful only to ourselves; to the bad habits of our culture and our world; to our own laziness and fear; to our own lack of understanding. 

To be faithful to God is to try to see past our own narrow view into something bigger, something more expansive. It's not necessarily fun, and it's almost definitely frightening. But joy lies there, just beyond the reaches of our exclusivity and fear.

Emmaus

"I thought that by representing Jesus in a radically different way, that of a woman, and especially a woman who seems to be of ill repute,the painting would really challenge the viewers to carefully consider the implication of seeing Jesus in other people, especially those who are downtrodden, especially those whom society looks down upon. That’s why in the picture the disciples, the two men beside the woman, are laughing so hard, because they have just realized their mistaken notion of Jesus. It’s like a joke. All three are laughing at the joke. I guess this is a contrast between the Jesus of history and the Jesus of the resurrection." - Emmanuel Garibay, Artist.

"College dudes worried that movement to take rape seriously is ruining their sex lives"

From Salon's Katie McDonough:

... Time’s Maia Szalavitz noted ...college students “aren’t hooking up more than they ever were, or even more than their parents did.”

So with this in mind, I didn’t put much stock in a Bloomberg News headline declaring that hookup culture was waning “amid assault alarm.” According to the piece, heightened awareness about sexual assault on college campuses and a greater move toward justice for survivors has made some college men’s boners shrink in terror. We are, it seems, meant to feel alarmed at these shrinking boners....

This is what happens when we when we publish stupid piece after stupid piece blaming women’s behavior for sexual assault, when we don’t encourage young people to communicate openly and regularly during romantic and sexual encounters, when we don’t teach affirmative consent or really any kind of sex education.

The Bloomberg piece is mostly framed to support the idea that women cry rape and that asking men to assume any responsibility to prevent sexual assault is asking too much. I don’t doubt that young men with little sexual experience feel anxiety about negotiating new relationships and sexual encounters, but claiming that the push for more education, a focus on consent and stronger systems of accountability to hold perpetrators accountable somehow means that men can’t call women on the phone to ask them on a date is absurd.

But not all college guys see themselves as the victims of a newly galvanized movement to prevent sexual assault. An incoming freshman from North Carolina named Clark Coey told Bloomberg that he is aware of the schools that are under investigation for Title IX violations, and is “concerned how [consent] will be defined when other students, including women, may be using drugs and alcohol that affect their decision-making.” Coey is the only person interviewed in the piece who makes clear that more education is needed to address consent and healthy relationships in the brave new world of university life. “I haven’t learned anything about consent since I was a freshman in a health class,” he said. “They have to give you a better understanding of what’s right and what’s wrong.”

More people should listen to Clark Coey. He is correct.

Many women scientists sexually harassed during fieldwork:

An expanded survey of abuse in the field points to the need for clearer policies.

The team reports in PLoS ONE¹ that 64% of respondents said that they had experienced sexual harassment and just under 22% said that they had experienced sexual assault. The majority of those reporting harassment were trainees, which the team defines as undergraduate or postgraduate students and postdoctoral researchers — five of them were in high school at the time of the incident.

Female trainees were the primary targets. Although many more women took part in the survey than men, they were still 3.5 times more likely to report having experienced sexual harassment than men. Women were also significantly more likely to have experienced sexual assault — 26% of women versus 6% of men — in the sample. For women, the perpetrators were predominantly senior to them professionally within the research team. Men who reported abuse, meanwhile, were more often targeted by their peers than by a superior.

You can read the article here:  http://www.nature.com/news/many-women-scientists-sexually-harassed-during-fieldwork-1.15571

A Primer on Street Harrassment

A helpful primer on street harassment from Robot Hugs.